You heard it here first

Well, second or third probably. Anyway, some of my collected rustic witterings should be appearing through a reputable publisher sometime later this year: articles, rants, poems and wacky letters to an imaginary local newspaper. It's gone under the working title of "Wellies", but now needs something short, daft and marketable to put on the cover.

Suggestions please!

Euphemisms

Knickers, smallclothes, underwear,
things that cover bits down there;
hipsters, Y fronts, passion killers,
big-pants, smalls and crotchless thrillers,
boxers, underpants and panties,
directoires as worn by aunties,

lon-jer-ray and thongs and things,
inexpressibles and strings;
slimmers, hi-legs, trunks and naughties,
tangas, briefs and lacy shorties –
all must fall when nature calls
and we are screened by modest walls:

bathrooms, washrooms, smallest rooms,
loos in cupboards full of brooms,
lavatories, netties, johns,
toilets with sitdownupons;
privies, closets, single-bowlers,
one- and two- and family-holers.
Plastic potty, thing of wonder,
used to be a plain gazunder,
jerry, china pot or po,
brimful with night’s overflow.

Pay a visit, wash your hands,
spend a penny (man just stands)
to plant a sweet pea down the drain,
point Percy at the porcelain,
or sit in state upon the throne
whereon the Pope must go alone
to do his reigning over China
painted by a fine designer.
Shake hands with your oldest friend.
It has to come out in the end.

Aussie Beasts

Aussie Beasts


We are Betcherrigah. Yellow and green we are.
Flocks in the trees we are, you know us well.
We’ll copy anything, whether you laugh or sing.
What Aussie beast are we – can you tell?

*

I am the Lillipilli, gentle and shy,
I don’t make a fuss, and I never ask why.
My head is fluffy and I hold it high –
I’m an Australian, but what am I?

*

I am the Kookaburra, I eat snakes.
I don’t like trifle and I don’t like cakes.
With my sharp nose and my laughing cry,
what kind of Australian beast am I?

*

He is the Boggi, scaly and rough.
He'll flash his tongue to show he's tough.
Don’t pick him up, he'll bite and hiss!
What kind of Aussie beast is this?

*
I am the Bandicoot, sometimes in stripes.
I have a long nose that nobody wipes.
My favourite call is a trumpeting sound
and I’ll eat just anything I find left around.

*

He’s a Koala, who looks sweet and dumb.
He eats the fresh leaves of a species of gum,
he has big ears and an opposable thumb,
but his small eyes tell you he’s nobody’s chum.

*

This is Echidna, with spikes on her back
and a pointy snout for a termite attack.
Her babies drink milk though they hatched out of eggs
and her husband’s penis has got four legs.

*

We are a singular creature, the Platypus
and Platypod-es is the plural of us.
We swim underwater and wear a soft beak
that makes it extremely hard to speak.

*

She is the Kangaroo, rusty and red.
She has a pocket for her baby’s bed.
She can jump on enormous feet –
She's the boundingest Aussie beast you’ll meet.